*Originally Posted to Facebook
Yesterday my positivity took a break. Everything has gone so well with the transplant so far, and I felt ready for the rest of this marathon.
But as I let myself stare into a mirror for more than a second since this began, and saw the person staring back at me, I felt completely empty. I didn’t recognize her at all.
My face is puffy and filled with fluid. It is worn and filled with so many new wrinkles. My face and body is covered in black spots and large black patches of dead skin from the chemo that will take months to fall off. The uneven hair loss makes me look like I have mange, and I am likely the only cancer patient to ever gain ten pounds during a transplant so I can barely fit into the clothes I checked in with.
I completely broke down. I wasn’t expecting this response. I love my body so much and I am so proud of how hard it has worked to save my life, to heal, to re-grow. But I didn’t see Cadence in the mirror any more and it scared me.
What I had to work really hard to remember is that I am still me on the inside. That the outside of me right now is just a part of this marathon. That it is only temporary. That I am still who I was before, and I will be again, all in good time.
I needed a serious pick me up, so I went back, and cried my face off watching the video that so many of my friends put together for me for my support even back in March.
It filled my heart and cup back up with love and strength and reignited my positivity to keep pushing forward and accept each stage of myself along the way. Thank you all for loving and sharing your love with me so that I could lean on it yesterday when I needed it most. ❤️